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32 Things That No One Ever, Ever Said 4 Months Ago


Flatten the curve

Social distancing


Pandemic beard

[Anything] in the time of Coronavirus

I am so standing 6 feet away!

Zoom me.

Has anyone seen my bandana?

Not the red one, the blue one with the polka dots.

I hate my job and I’m really glad to have it.

Honey, make sure you get the Charmin in the 36-roll Family Pack.

Does Subway do take-out?

I know it’s only a cough but I’m really worried.

This bread is really easy to make and it only takes 6 hours.

What else is on Disney Plus?

I never knew tiger breeding could be so interesting.

Why won't Zoom load?

I wiped down the mail but you might want to give it another pass.

Does this surgical mask make me look fat?

OK, who’s using up all the paper towels?

I purposely didn’t bring a reusable bag, you’re welcome.

Before we begin the meeting, I have a question – Is everyone wearing pants?

How long do canned lentils stay fresh?


Where’s my stimulus check?

I’m really look forward to walking the dog again later today.

I wonder how Boris Johnson is feeling.

I can’t bear to look at my 401K.

Sure, send me your latest song parody, I’d love to hear it.

Is YouTube Premium worth the extra money?

Zoom really sucks.

If you Google “Food banks near me,” the list pops right up.

We’re all in this together.

Tom McNichol is a San Francisco writer.