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The Devil Went Down to Kentucky

· NEWS

Thirteen Ways of Looking at the Bluegrass State:

The Three Percenters on Memorial Day, the Year of Our Lord 2020, May John McCains Enraged Spirit organize His Beer Drinking Maverick Army of Angels to Swoop Down at Zero Dark Thirty & Help us All before Our Nations Commonweal & Human Wealth is Over and Its Too Late.

ADVICE TO THE READER: please bow your heads in a moment of silence, because right now it appears U.S. Marine Amy McGrath Doesn’t Have a Snowballs Chance on a Hotter Planet To Triumph Given All Odds, Oligarchies, & all Ostriches with their Heads in the Sand, or elsewhere darker, Across the Bluegrass State. Amen.

By David Hatfield Crockett

“A hillbilly may be defined as any member that comes from the Appalachian region who likes to make moonshine and drink it whenever they please and shoot of firearms at will.”

Encyclopedia of Southern Culture

“Don’t listen to Governor Beshear, he’s a dumbass”

—sign brandished by Three Percenters, Frankfort, Memorial Day, 2020

“The most important part of a sign is everything that surrounds the sign”

—Ferdinand de Saussure

I.

Memorial Day, May 25, 2020. A crowd assembles at the state capital in Frankfort, Kentucky, including members of an organization called “The Three Percenters.” It is a cheerful affair for some in the ragtag group. My guess is that preparations had been made as if for a tailgating party; treats for the kids, chips & sandwiches and Big Gulp sodas for everyone. Maybe even a few beers if the attendees with pistols & rifles in their pickups & car trunks, or on their person, weren’t from a dry Kentucky country and members of the Church of Christ or Primitive Baptist. Given their strict beliefs on all forms of alcohol, including the beverage made from fermented grapes and rejoiced over at Jesus Christ’s first miracle at The Wedding of Cana, these individuals who’ve read The Book of Daniel do not defile the temple of the bodies, made in God’s image, with that particularly delicious ambrosia known in the New Testament as wine.

At one point a few characters from the assembled group decided to hang a facsimile of Democratic Governor Andy Beshear in effigy. Needless to say, the historical echo nationwide was loud & it quickly rose to a crescendo as onlookers watched these particularly determined protestors, some with AK-47s and AR-15-type assault rifles possibly in their home bunkers, attics, or grain silo survival basements, storm the front porch of the governor’s home, where he lives with his wife and his ten and eleven-year-old children.

Currently, with the Three Percenters still healthy & afoot the upcoming election next week in the Bluegrass will be no sunshine-filled game, especially as the votes are counted, largely because these witty representatives of “liberty,” “justice,” and “physical strength” continue free across the United States and in the Bluegrass and they have a following nationwide. To wit: they keep showing up rallies & infiltrating peaceful protests. These Proud Boys. Tea Party wishy-washys, These Let’s Go To Denny’s & Drink Coffee Then Raise Some Ideological Hell Cro-Magnon Posse Lites, whatever their brand, whatever garage, (whatever grange, that’s French you hooligan lurkers), whatever barn, tree stump, stone or rock under from which you’ve crawled. That’s right. I’m a little peeved under the collar about Mitch McConnell and his Chinese wife. Normally, I’m a gentleman farmer with a tortoise named Timothy whom I occasionally walk on his little leash, but more of that anon.

Now it’s Halloween, 2020 & most all the nation "holds its breath" to see what’s going to happen next Tuesday. By now whatever one’s woebegone news source, all of the Americas and Most all of the World has seen other armed, pumped, camouflaged versions of these men mostly in Southern states & Western states but also in other various north of the Mason-Dixie line manifestations, places like Minnesota, Nebraska, Oregon, and Wisconsin.

The fact these individuals are generally males seems worth noting. Fox TV & the nation’s bottomless pit of mentally limited shock jocks cannot change certain scientifically measurable facts: these “individuals” tend toward the hirsute, routinely drive pickup trucks, they’re fond of beard-growing competitions & wearing hats stylistically more pragmatic for working in the sun, than for attending The Kentucky Derby.

Yes, indeed, it’s a testosterone-driven phenomenon. Additionally, everybody can see or suspect that Agent Orange is on something at all of his tiny-fist pumping rallies. These Three Percenters and Proud Boys are out there and keep appearing & will continue to appear into the year 2021 and beyond, wherever television cameras might be so they can finally start, making themselves “known” virtually. They will keep showing up in costumes & pickups every where marches and cries for logic, action, and justice take place.

At any rate, we have an election Tuesday. While largely popular in what I’d call a neck-deepwater crimson state, instead of waist-deepwater & fairly reasonable red state, which potentially could swim out of its problems with a corrective election result, Governor Andy Beshear responded immediately with rhetorical calm and a good family man’s moral fury.

What’s that? Are you’re saying deepwater’s not a word? That it’s totally inappropriate to say Kentuckians are in deepwater? Frankly, I do not concur and the phrasing fits Kentucky’s voting population fine & dandy. Right now it’s October 31st, so wake up if you’re still breathing air, have not yet voted, and are living in Kentucky.

Furthermore, for anyone outside of my natal land who is not scared or downright terrified of the re-electing of Mitch McConnell I’ll just say “Boo,” then shame on you, then mind your own small business enterprise. Maybe it’s not the American people or your Kentucky in-state workers you really care for but rather rigged tax laws, accounting shenanigans, & that handy-dandy “bankruptcy” option of which you have been quite fond all along.

Let’s try and understand the state of Kentucky. It’s a puzzler, isn’t it? I was saying just this to a friend in the houseboat moored next to mine here at the Louisville Yacht Club where I’ve hunkered down with a few swell folks: two undergraduate foreign language teachers from Bellarmine, nine lawyers who are all living together in a gawdy yacht, four Methodist preachers and a frightened Honduran from a tree removal service, along with the COO of Papa John’s who comes to drink with us on Thursday evenings to escape and relax, which is another fascinating true tale which we’ll return to with time permitting. Also, one Trappist monk from “The Abbey of Gethsemane” where Thomas Merton wrote his masterful “The Rain and the Rhinoceros.”

Anyhow, the other day we were all chatting & I was explaining how back in the 1980s this young, handsome lawyer took a gentleman named Robert Bork to school on national television & fixed his little red wagon. Mostly, this bright lawyer did this because Judge Robert Bork was known in educated circles for saying and writing down horse-hockey such as this: “Truth is what the majority thinks it is at any given moment precisely because the majority is permitted to govern and to redefine its values constantly.

To which that young lawyer back in the 1980s, who is now currently called Vice-President Joe Biden, said, “I do not agree.” However, in his head, which is a good one, hopefully our future President Biden, that day still in the history books, said very quietly (sotto voce, for you Proud Boys who speak Italian & enjoy opera) along with the spirit of Edmund Burke, who is probably guzzling a lot better beer in heaven right now, instead of that RNC swill called Coors, and laughing his ass off looking at current South Carolina polling numbers—and thought quickly:

“However, to form

a free government,

that is, to temper

together these opposite

elements of liberty & restraint

in once consistent work,

requires

much

thought.”

Hampered by racial violence and charges that local administrators of many of the war on Poverty programs abused their offices for their own political and economic gain, President Johnson ordered the commission to expose the weaknesses and shortcoming in this Great Society Programs. Among other responsibilities, the commission had to investigate everything from farm labor to cultural opportunities for rural families & the impact of these factors on migration from rural America to urban centers.

—Thomas Kiffmeyer Reformers to Radicals: Appalachian Volunteers & the War on Poverty

II.

What do you really know about Kentucky? A whole lot? More with time since you’ve been following issues & the upcoming election? Zilch? Not a blessed thing? Since only a week remains, why not take a fleeting interest in the Bluegrass state?

Perhaps you have studied a map & observed the geographical basics? Hard for you to look at my home state without judging isn’t it? Appalachia. Those funny folks without good schooling. Been thinking about how lucky you were to attend college, considering the cost of your braces alone perhaps, back whenever you were a teenager attending private school?

Naturally, I’m just guessing but since I’m assuming that you’re a political junkie, just like me, ever since I cast a vote for John Anderson in 1980. Still, do me a favor okay? Do remember those braces & all the nutritious food that when down the little red lane & your well-educated throat while you were growing up: fresh salmon, organic fruits and veggies from Whole Foods replete with phytonutrients?

Well, these foodstuffs pretty much guarantee that you’ll never have rickets, so whenever you talk about an uneducated electorate, or make jokes about my home state, or want to start chuckling at Appalachia’s so-called inbred idiots & hollers & moonshine, well just go back to the drawing board and your Ivy League club for a cocktail.

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