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Updated Vaccine Priority List


David Galef

 Phase 1A

high-risk hospital workers

low-risk hospital administrators

big risk-takers: gamblers; those who text while driving

EMS workers

ESM, SME, and BDSM workers

healthcare providers

careful providers: Amazon executives

providers who care: Mummy, Daddy

essential doctors

doctors specializing in cosmetic enhancement

even optometrists

opportunistic relatives of doctors

long-term care residents

correctional facility residents

over my dead body

Phase 1B

law enforcement personnel

law enforcement victims


other fighters (for social justice and truth)

people with co-morbid conditions

people who think morbid thoughts

those over 75

people who look over 75

people who claim to be over 75 to sell their makeup line

Phase 1C

essential workers (transit, food—even the 7-Eleven clerk with the purple faux-hawk)

workers who are essential depending on your point of view

first responders

second responders

third-rate responders

second-party vendors

the party of the first part

educators with tenure

for adjunct instructors, see Phase 1Z

Phase 1D

nice people, including but not restricted to

the volunteer crossing guard who always waves hello

the neighbor who looks after your cat when you go on a trip

adults who throw back your ball after it lands in their yard

people who seem as if they’re important

Porsche drivers

those who shop at Vera Wang

 Phase 1E


ghosts, phantoms, ghouls




people who tell waitresses to unmask, honey, so we can see your pretty face

  Phase Zero

Florida residents convicted of throwing an alligator through a drive-through window

Florida residents pardoned by Governor DeSantis

Governor DeSantis

broken image

David Galef has published humor in places ranging from the old British Punch and The New York Times to McSweeney's, Weekly Humorist, Inside Higher Ed, and many more. Day job: creative writing program director at Montclair State University; his website is; Twitter: @dgalef.

Who’ll Be The Next In Line ::: The Kinks

I Am Waiting ::: Ollabelle

Lucky Number ::: Lene Lovich

Virus Called The Blues ::: Charles Brown & Dr John

Shot of Love ::: Bob Dylan

Hit Me With Your Best Shot ::: Pat Benatar

The Waiting ::: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers